高分学子|雅思作文5.5升到6.5的经历（内含作文批改）
2019-12-22 03:00:04 87
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学生背景：
S学生，高中生，平时学业繁忙，所以只能每周末抽出2小时，跟老师学习雅思写作。起初雅思写作分数较低，一直是5分或者5.5分，最后一次考试提升到6.5分。
培训前雅思写作中的主要问题：
1. 只是在自己学校接受过简单培训，不了解雅思写作细节的写作方法
2. 语法错误过多，词汇使用错误很频繁，直译汉语的倾向比较严重
培训后雅思写作取得的进步：
1. 大体掌握了审题方法、论证方式和衔接手段等写作技能
2. 写作中的语法错误大幅度减少，但是还是没有完全得到纠正
3. 加大了练习数量，写作速度提升
4. 积累了更多的写作素材，通过反复练习题库里的题目，思路也更加清晰
名师批改
高管高薪
It is a good thing for senior managers to have better salaries than or workers in a company or organization. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
学生的思路：
一方面，脑力劳动先比体力劳动更有技术含量
但是，另一方面，这个做法会让其他员工会感到不公平
In recent years, salary of advanced (senior) managers is much higher than or kinds of c在同一公司工作的人（对比项目不适当：这些高级经理的薪水比在同一公司的工人的薪水还高。）因此，有人声称这是一种积极趋势。在我看来，这种观点是合理的，但需要我们进一步研究。
词汇匹配错误： 高级（高级）经理 不能为了和转移用词有区别而任意替换词汇，高级修饰人时，是指学习水平高， 类别：高级学习者
不可否认，脑力劳动比体力劳动要熟练得多。这是因为只要您具有足够的力量（体力），每个人都可以从事体力劳动。这意味着脑力劳动不仅需要体力，还需要清晰的逻辑和足够的专门知识，这些知识不能存储在所有人的大脑中 （应该用被动语态） 管理者应该做出正确的决定。在中国可以看到一个很好的例子，寡头垄断的高级管理人员的收入约为一百万，这是普通工人一年收入的十倍。毕竟，each of decision made by manager could determine profit of company. Therefore, managers play a more important role than or workers in a company.
语态错误：which does not store in brain of all people (应该用被动语态)
错误根源：受汉语影响，汉语没有明显的语态区别，所以英语写作时忽略语态。
However, this regulation would make or employees feel unfair. The simple reason is that some people might think only thing that managers need to do is announced regulation to m(语法错误：改为…is to make an announcement. ). After all, people who carry out this order to m （语法错误：不是完整句子）.Therefore, workers would think that senior managers do least （smallest）amount of things but earn highest salary so that employees who feel is unbalanced would lose interests of working hard (改为：re will be no incentive for m to work hard). As a result, profit of company also would decrease because of low efficiency of workers.
In conclusion, it is reasonablefor a company give higher salary to senior managers but pacify emotion of or workers is also important（动词不能直接作主语，改为：It is necessary to comfort or workers.; 词汇搭配不准确pacify emotion）.
1. 文章结构合理，论证比较充分。比如：Therefore, workers would think that senior managers do least （smallest）amount of things but earn highest salary so that employees who feel is unbalanced would lose interests of working hard (改为：re will be no incentive for m to work hard).
2. 思路也比较清晰，句子之间的逻辑清晰。
3. 有些词汇搭配不合理。比如：who feel is unbalanced …pacify emotion
4. 语法错误比以前减少了，但是还是有多处明显错误：which does not store in brain of all people (应该用被动语态) pacify emotion of or workers is also important（动词不能直接作主语。
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